i've gone and depressed the hell outta myself. not in a funny way. just a stupid, pointless, mind-numbing, goopy mess of depression.

i don't even know if i have the gumption to write.
i guess i do.

due to a conversation several weeks ago about the irreplaceable items in our lives, (what would you take with you if your house burned down?), i realized that i don't have ANYTHING i would really miss. that's kind of depressing. seriously, shama? not even a piece of jewelry, or a photograph? nope. nothing. i WISH i could think of something. this realization sparked several other depressing thoughts. i began questioning what "home" actually means to me; as a renter for 7 years now, not much. as a first-generation pakistani-indian, i feel guilty when i claim to be an american (but these days, who doesn't?). my mother recently told me that it would be impossible for me to move back in with them because i have lived on my own for so long now. she has a point, but, OUCH. you can never go home again.

trying to define what "home" means is only the tip of the gigantic therapist bill-shaped iceberg.

i feel OLD. tiny lines are forming around my eyes, forehead and mouth. so far, they're happy lines, not frowny lines, for which i'm grateful, but they're STILL lines, dammit. getting older is great; i look forward to it, but...
i'm.
not.
ready.
i haven't got anything to show for myself! maybe i'm channeling my mother right now, but maybe she's right. i have to graduate, find a REAL job, travel, etc. etc. what would that real job be? there's a lot i want to do, and many things i think i could be good at, but when one mixes equal parts indecisiveness, poor time-management skills and relentless curiosity, the resulting batter forms a Mediocre Pie. it doesn't taste great, but it doesn't taste terrible either. it's just... meh.

for crying out loud, i just looked over what i've written, checked the time and got even MORE depressed thinking that i should be DOING something more productive than writing a freakin' blog. like, um, laundry. or something. sigh.

location: home? i guess. mood: depressed